Wheee! How these things go.... Car..... Darkness......

I am not exactly how I would wish to be..... It's difficult sometimes. Difficult to deal with. Because I can change myself... I'm big on changing myself. It's what keeps me optimistic. If I didn't believe in my ability to change myself, I'd get very depressed about all sorts of things. I'd worry about getting old, about being too fat and too ugly and too incompetant at so many things... But as it is, I don't need to worry, because I'm a big believer in it being up to me to change myself and my life so that it becomes the way I want it. Hell, maybe I'll live for a long time, I don't know! Maybe one day I'll wake up and I'll be 75 years old, and what would be the point in just sitting in my armchair eating cookies and thinking "I can't do anything except feel sorry for myself because I'm an unattractive old lady who's only interest is crochet" (or something like that... lol)? No matter how old you get, you still have a future, dammit! Even if you're only gonna live for one more day! And you can always, always shape that future. OK, so maybe you don't have as much control over it as you'd like - you can't work miracles, right? But once you start thinking like that, it's surprising how much you can change if you really want to. Sometimes you need to make sacrifices, and sometimes, compromises, but you still have the freedom to choose, to make decisions.

But there are some things about myself that I can't change, and that makes me feel bad. It seems that some things are hardwired into my nature - something to with brain chemistry - maybe even more hardwired than brain chemistry, which can, after all, be changed. Genetics, maybe? Or something else that I don't understand? Whatever... I feel... somehow... I feel my limits. A kind of implosion of the sense of 'self'. The way the 'self' that I think I am can't escape from something else... an illusion that I'm controlling my thoughts, actions, reactions and - to some extent - feelings... but really... there is something else... that is me... and yet... is not me...

Eehheehhheee, this starts to sound like a bad piece of science fiction! >< Why do all my attempts at 'thinking' just end up with me babbling crap? T_T

I got an email from the Machine. Bloody hell! Will I never get rid of that man? It seems he is doomed to be the albatross (or is it millstone? whatever...) around my neck for the rest of my life. Like Jacques. I haven't heard from Jacques in 3 years! But strangely, everyone who has known us both is firmly convinced he'll turn up again. O_o Don't ask me why they think that - I haven't a clue. But, I can see the Machine turning into a similar 'legend'... lol. He wanted to know why I was angry with him. I haven't mailed him back, although I probably will do eventually. If he doesn't call me, first. I hope he doesn't! I want to get a whole night's sleep sometime soon, dammit! ><

No news yet from Steve about whether he's going on Saturday. I guess I'll have to wake up in the morning... T_T

Woah, woah, woah! I need a vacation! I *badly* need a vacation! I love the winter season... but right now... I want 2 weeks in the sun... I want to lie on the beach, with hardly anyone about (just a few hot guys to make things interesting, lol), feel the soft sand, read a stack of literature, maybe do a bit of writing, get a healthy tan, spend hours and hours playing the guitar and keyboard, drink white wine and cocktails at sunset, have beach barbecues, play football and frisbee, swim in the sea, dance all night in clubs, do plenty of Japanese language learning....... draw and paint.... (Yes, I need definitely a luxury hotel suite!)

I love winter... and Christmas... but it feels melancholy to me at the same time, because of all the nostalgia associated with being a kid. It's definitely not true that 'school days are the happiest days of your life' (what a load of crap!), but there is something... looking back... to have no responsibilities is good... not that I really have any now! It's not so much responsibility as a kind of innocence... even though I didn't think it at the time... hell, when I was a kid I had just as many (if not more) pains and worries and... reasons to be unhappy... now... my life is good... I'm lucky... but all the same... what happened to innocence? It's not like you can pinpoint it and say at one particular moment your life changed... you can't say exactly that it was when your best friend died or you got raped or you lost your virginity or you got beaten up or you got betrayed... or betrayed someone else... maybe some people can look at one event like that and say 'that's when my life changed', but... to me it doesn't seem like that.