... her new blog is at www.myspace.com/kinsao

Please visit and comment! ^^

I'm pissed off, because... I had to retire my piercing already at only six weeks, dammit!

What happened was, I had another go to change it, but I couldn't get the new ring to go in properly. I could feel it underneath the skin on the inside, but I couldn't find the exit hole with the end. I was trying for a really long time, so I thought I better not try for too long otherwise it wouldn't do any good to my skin. So I put the old ring back in, but I couldn't get the ball to go back on it! It was so fiddly, I tried and tried, and used pliers to close the ring a little, but it still didn't work.

I thought I would go back to my piercer and ask him to put it back on for me. So... I went... (by a strange coincidence it was Server Maintenance at work and all the comps were down, so I had some free time), but the boss was there and she said he wouldn't do it. I was like "Whaaaat?!? WTF!!!" but she said they wouldn't do anything to an 'old' piercing, only on the same day it was done, because if anything went wrong they'd be held liable. << Only if you buy a piece of jewellery from them, and then ask him to change it over for you there and then, will they do it. So the long and short of it was, they wouldn't do it.

My friendly guy at the other place wasn't there either... the boss was there too... (bloody typical of my luck!) and he said they wouldn't touch it either because it hadn't been done there.

><

So... there was no way I could get that ball back on... and I couldn't leave it open, of course, so... I had to take it out... I've just done it and I'm really sad because I LOVED my piercing. ;_;;; It suited me, and... oh, mehhh, what's done is done. How was I to know?

Anyway, it aches a bit now because of messing around with it, but as long as I keep it clean I guess it'll heal up OK. It really sucks cos I liked it so much I was thinking of getting another labret piercing, the chin one in the centre. But now I'll have to wait until after the play in January and if I need a retainer putting in for the May play I need to go back to the same place and ask him to fit it for me there and then. ><

I'm gonna MISS it........ *wails*

lol, I really miss my Dad when it comes to fiddly tasks. Gone are the days when I could just yell, "Daddyyyyyyyyy!!! I need heeeeeeelp!!!" ;_;;; Hehe, I'll still be feeling like that when I'm 90 I bet...

What else? Oh yeah, the Machine rang me up on Wednesday night. I was surprised; in fact, even though it was really late I still didn't think it would be him - not after... recent events (not so recent now, even). But it was... I think he wants to see me again, he said "see you" in a very pointed sort of way... XDDD I knew he was telling the truth when he said in his mail that he was very busy, but I thought it was an excuse as well as the truth, if you know what I mean.

We talked for about 45 minutes, mostly about phonetics. I kid you not - he'd just had an exam in them. ><

I spoke on the phone to Mom today, and apparently Steve was round at her place all morning. He was talking of calling me... why the fuck doesn't he just call me, then? Or drop me an email? Men.... <<

Hehe - he'll be glad my piercing has gone, anyway... Awww that's made me feel all sad again... Ah well! I survived for 26 years without one, so I'm sure I'll cope... ^^

Yes we do!!!

^_^

*coughcough*
I haven't posted in a while because of being busy at work.

Got sick at the weekend - migraine. >< OK now though.

Saturday was fine, I did some Christmas shopping. The horrible task. I like getting presents for people, but it's so difficult to choose, and this year I don't have so much money either to get many presents. T_T And it's not so much the money... it's knowing... it's a drag to wander around the city and look in shops for inspiration. You never see anything good then. Anyhow, I got most all of it done except a few things... ^_^

I got the new MUCC album. It is AWESOME!!! Listening to it, I thought I was about to die of pleasure... Seriously, I didn't think it was possible for them to get any better, but I was wrong... that bass... and guitars... and Tatsurou's voice kills me, absolutely kills me... @_@

I've also got the latest Kagerou single, but not listened to it yet.

I got the Deathgaze single, too, which is good but I do prefer their earlier stuff...

However, I have now got 'Yuuwaku' by Glay well and truly stuck in my head...
*sings* "Toki ni ai wa futari wo tameshiteru Because I love you
Kiwadoi shisen wo furikitte wow, wow, wow"

*ahem* sorry... I have to do that... ^_^

I'm making reasonable progress on learning to sing those three SID songs, too ('Ajisai', 'Ao' and 'Watashi wa ame'). 'Watashi wa ame' is kinda high for me, but when I turn up the volume it's really not so difficult at all. Dunno what the neighbours think, though, as I yodel "watashi mo ikimaaasuuuuuuuuuu...." on the top of my voice... XD ><. I loooove it... ^_^

Ohhh... the SID song 'Izon no Niwa' is... fantastic... (did I mention this before? lol). The bass line... it's one of those things that probably isn't amazingly hard to play, but which is incredibly effective. 'Tasty' is really the word for it - it literally makes my mouth water! (Note: interesting physiological response - investigate whether certain note frequencies can induce this response by stimulating the brain in a particular way.)

Steve called me on Tuesday night for no reason... just to chat about nothing in particular... lol.

The keyboarding is coming along nicely... at rehearsal I snuck into the foyer when I was offstage and played on the real piano... it's a crappy one but it's great to get the chance to play any real one. T_T I can remember most of the first two pages of 'Regret' (well, all, really, apart from the occasional inaccuracy mistake from my dexterity, not my memory!) and most of the third page now ^_^ although I can't play the third page so smoothly and there are some bits that I always get stuck on remembering... the repeated passages actually make it harder, because then I forget which of them I am on... it's like, "is this the second or third time I've played two Gs an octave apart?" @_@

Tomorrow I have to buy Christmas presents. >< Really difficult! Especially mom... I know a few things that she wants but I need to buy her extra... because she always buys me a lot of presents. Even if we get each other stupid novelty stuff XD. It's still fun. Anyway I wanna buy her lots of stuff cuz she deserves it. ^_^ I want to think of something really good... but what...?

*sigh* I guess I'll end up by this time tomorrow with something, anyway...

Normphobic sent me Oresama! *dances the happy dance* Can't wait to get home and download it... (I'm at work ><) I have a lot of PVs queued up to watch... I did have a seriously mind-boggling number, but I took to watching a couple each morning before going to work (XDD, that could be dangerous... very dangerous...!) and I got the number down to a manageable level. Lol. But Oresama is long... @_@ I so much need to see the Ajisai PV as well... plus I've got the Lareine 'Scarlet Majesty' live to watch, and that's long too. Never mind though - it's damn good things to look forward to! ^_^

I got the D. discography, too! *dances another, even stupider dance* I listened to a few of the songs on my way to work this morning and they are really good. Actually takes me back to my youth (of ten years ago, or thereabouts... lol) because they're a quite 'traditional hard rock' sound. ^_^

(in the dark.... naturally. XD)

Yaaaaay! I finally got a day at home and was able to dance about ridiculously to music, waving my duster and spray can like a proper *housewife* XDDDD!!! And my house is all gleaming and fragrant... well... not quite... it's just... not a hovel. O_~

But more importantly... plenty of guitar and keyboard practice. ^______^
*dances*

And I did an avatar for 'Diru'... I hope he likes it... it's not fantastic but I hope to get the chance to have a go at doing some more, too. It's difficult to put 2 pictures together and make it look good.

Steve called for me this morning and we drove out to a couple of 'Christmas fairs' - the last one was the one that mom organised. It seemed to be going with a swing when we got there - plenty of people, lots of things going on...

By the time we left to go on a walk, it was pretty late - too late to set out for a 19km walk, anyway. We drove out of town and parked up near a small village, and we walked across fields and up and down hills for a short while... Then Steve took it into his head to walk to another village while we still had a bit of light left in the sky... It wasn't all that far, maybe 4km or so, but it was hella muddy, and it started raining (and getting dark! lol) while we were stranded in a beet field half way through. >< Some date, huh!

Haha - I enjoyed it, though. I like walking in the country because it's kinda nostalgic... reminds me of when I was a kid and used to go picking conkers in the autumn. I don't get the chance to do that now I live in a city, so I miss it. And it's good to see the orange leaves and smell the fresh air. ^^

I never thought there was something nice about crunching through beet with wet socks in the dark and rain. It just goes to show - you can open your mind to something new everyday... =D

We walked back via the road... during the last part Steve held my hand because it was cold (aww... ), lol. The meal was delish. ^^ But there was a kinda freaky part... Steve told me I looked pretty and had nice eyes... wtf?!?!? I'm not pretty! I'm just plain and ordinary looking. Ms Normal, that's me. But that kind of thing is starting to make my head spin round, and not in a good way. Because of stuff the Machine has said, too. What the hell's going on that I seem to be attractive all of a sudden? @_@

Well, regardless, it was nice to get complimented and have him put an arm around me and hold my hand - which he did all the way back to the car, which had been parked up a lane which was as black as the Earl of Hell's waistcoat. We talked deeply and meaningfully about various things... lol. Disagreeing on some things - of course. I find him... a 'good sort' (lol) but somewhat... intractable, I think is the word. And intolerant (even though he insists he's a tolerant person!). For example, he only likes people he sees as 'educated'. << He makes a judgement of whether someone is 'educated' depending on their accent and manner and way of acting, straightaway... and he thinks people who are educated are somehow 'better' people. I can't agree with that! ::shock:: I agree that of course it's beneficial for people to get educated because it helps you to use your mind more... and I think that people who aren't educated but who are intelligent will tend to use their intelligence to learn and improve their mind anyway (even if they aren't aware that's what they're doing). But I also think that some people who aren't 'educated' but who look beyond the confines of their own situation can be 'better' people than some who have had the advantage of education but in fact use that to become lazy and make a good impression without actually having to do much real thinking. I just think Steve's attitude is really judgemental. I try to look at people for who they are, and obviously some people haven't had the luck and chances that other people have, but you have to look at what they are like as a person, not all the peripheral stuff that gets bolted on later.

He also looks at the past through rose-tinted glasses. He thinks that society 'these days' is worse than it's ever been. Well, I agree that some things are worse. But often that's to do with science and technology (and its availability) - things have changed in ways that they couldn't before. And yeah, in a lot of ways he is right and society is 'worse'... but I still think he idealises the past. Because although technology changes, human nature doesn't change. There is still the same capacity for evil in people and that has always been the same, just the tools and media they can use have changed.

And I don't think people were necessarily 'better' in the past just because they were conforming to a 'better' set of rules. Those rules might have been more good for society, in fact, but I don't see the great merit in conforming to 'good' rules just because society demands it of you. If you're not thinking for yourself but just doing what you're told - or obeying the rules reluctantly - there isn't any moral benefit for a person in that. I just think he's overlooking - or failing to imagine - some of the things that went terribly wrong in society in the past. Not having lived in the past, I can't prove anything, though... ><

In spite of it all, I think he's a pretty sound guy. ^^ He's very considerate...

It's amazing how things can change so much in such a short time... *thinks back to 2 weeks ago*

Steve asked me out for a drink and a meal this evening. It was pretty cool, actually. I like getting calls on the spur of the moment, especially on a Friday night. ^_^

I wonder... I can't help wondering... (lmao - I'm starting to sound all coy!!!)... if he's... (*laughs at self again*)... interested in me. I have a feeling I should have put that in inverted commas... 'interested' in me. That thought... makes me want to laugh hysterically. I'm not sure why, except that its late and I'm tired and I get hysterical easily when I'm tired. There just strikes me as something funny about it...

Probably it seems strange (funny-haha and funny-peculiar, both) because he's so hardline. I mean, he's a 'good boy'... hehe. Human, of course... but... more hardline than me. I agree with him 100% on some of the things he says, but some of them seem... restrictive to me. I don't mean exactly the things themselves, but the atmosphere that exudes from him saying them. If that makes any sense.

I couldn't help getting the impression he was... I dunno... can I use the word 'interested' again? lol. Yeah................. He was telling me about some issues in his life at the moment... but also... things like... happening to mention about some girl that had been interested in him but he wasn't interested in her... because she didn't share the same values... and... texting his friend, who I don't know, and saying 'hi from Kinsao' (his friend is gonna be wondering 'who the hell is Kinsao?!?)... it's like as if he wanted his friend to know he was with me... to get an excuse to explain who I am... I think I'm totally not making sense here. *I* know what I mean... even if no one else does...

Anyway, he's calling for me tomorrow morning to go to this fete-thingy, and then he suggested we go for a walk in the afternoon. Actually I'd been hoping to get at least the later part of the afternoon at home to catch up on some things, but it doesn't look like that's going to be happening, seeing as the walk he's suggested is about 19km! >< I gotta do it, though, it's a matter of honour... seriously, if 19km would make me tired I ought to be ashamed of myself! Jeez, I can even run for 5km and not be tired. << It's the time thing. But I'll get Sunday, at least, to myself! *cheers up*

Hell, it sounds like I don't wanna spend time with him... and obviously, I do (well duuhh... I wouldn't be going if I didn't). I just can't imagine... mehh, I'm gonna use another really outdated phrase... I can't imagine being 'with' him (blehh, I even had to put it in inverted commas... what *is* the matter with me XDD). I don't mean 'with' in *that* way (wow! inverted-comma-fest!)... I meant 'with' in the most innocent, innocuous, happy-coupley way. It's just like... yeah, we share a lot of the same values, but... there are lots of things about me he doesn't know... and I get the feeling wouldn't like if he did... >< And they're things I'm not prepared to give up. I don't want to turn into a resentful slave. <<

Guess I'm reading far too much into little things... but, in the past I've been right about those kinds of things, even directly from the beginning.

It seems to be my fate in life that any guys who are *seriously* interested in me are the ones I can't possibly be with, usually for reasons outside my control. T_T I was thinking back recently to when I was 16. If someone had told me then, that anyone would *ever* ask me to marry them, I'd have literally burst out laughing. It still seems ridiculous to me! But - and this is the oddest part - since then two guys have asked me to marry them (well, two seriously and one out of desperation... lol... I don't count him ><). And I couldn't accept either of them, for technical reasons which are too complicated to go into here and which would compromise their privacy anyway. I always used to say that I could never accept anyone who asked me to marry him, because the very fact of him asking the question would mean he was not quite right in the head. It would seem that that's true. <<

Wheee! How these things go.... Car..... Darkness......

I am not exactly how I would wish to be..... It's difficult sometimes. Difficult to deal with. Because I can change myself... I'm big on changing myself. It's what keeps me optimistic. If I didn't believe in my ability to change myself, I'd get very depressed about all sorts of things. I'd worry about getting old, about being too fat and too ugly and too incompetant at so many things... But as it is, I don't need to worry, because I'm a big believer in it being up to me to change myself and my life so that it becomes the way I want it. Hell, maybe I'll live for a long time, I don't know! Maybe one day I'll wake up and I'll be 75 years old, and what would be the point in just sitting in my armchair eating cookies and thinking "I can't do anything except feel sorry for myself because I'm an unattractive old lady who's only interest is crochet" (or something like that... lol)? No matter how old you get, you still have a future, dammit! Even if you're only gonna live for one more day! And you can always, always shape that future. OK, so maybe you don't have as much control over it as you'd like - you can't work miracles, right? But once you start thinking like that, it's surprising how much you can change if you really want to. Sometimes you need to make sacrifices, and sometimes, compromises, but you still have the freedom to choose, to make decisions.

But there are some things about myself that I can't change, and that makes me feel bad. It seems that some things are hardwired into my nature - something to with brain chemistry - maybe even more hardwired than brain chemistry, which can, after all, be changed. Genetics, maybe? Or something else that I don't understand? Whatever... I feel... somehow... I feel my limits. A kind of implosion of the sense of 'self'. The way the 'self' that I think I am can't escape from something else... an illusion that I'm controlling my thoughts, actions, reactions and - to some extent - feelings... but really... there is something else... that is me... and yet... is not me...

Eehheehhheee, this starts to sound like a bad piece of science fiction! >< Why do all my attempts at 'thinking' just end up with me babbling crap? T_T

I got an email from the Machine. Bloody hell! Will I never get rid of that man? It seems he is doomed to be the albatross (or is it millstone? whatever...) around my neck for the rest of my life. Like Jacques. I haven't heard from Jacques in 3 years! But strangely, everyone who has known us both is firmly convinced he'll turn up again. O_o Don't ask me why they think that - I haven't a clue. But, I can see the Machine turning into a similar 'legend'... lol. He wanted to know why I was angry with him. I haven't mailed him back, although I probably will do eventually. If he doesn't call me, first. I hope he doesn't! I want to get a whole night's sleep sometime soon, dammit! ><

No news yet from Steve about whether he's going on Saturday. I guess I'll have to wake up in the morning... T_T

Woah, woah, woah! I need a vacation! I *badly* need a vacation! I love the winter season... but right now... I want 2 weeks in the sun... I want to lie on the beach, with hardly anyone about (just a few hot guys to make things interesting, lol), feel the soft sand, read a stack of literature, maybe do a bit of writing, get a healthy tan, spend hours and hours playing the guitar and keyboard, drink white wine and cocktails at sunset, have beach barbecues, play football and frisbee, swim in the sea, dance all night in clubs, do plenty of Japanese language learning....... draw and paint.... (Yes, I need definitely a luxury hotel suite!)

I love winter... and Christmas... but it feels melancholy to me at the same time, because of all the nostalgia associated with being a kid. It's definitely not true that 'school days are the happiest days of your life' (what a load of crap!), but there is something... looking back... to have no responsibilities is good... not that I really have any now! It's not so much responsibility as a kind of innocence... even though I didn't think it at the time... hell, when I was a kid I had just as many (if not more) pains and worries and... reasons to be unhappy... now... my life is good... I'm lucky... but all the same... what happened to innocence? It's not like you can pinpoint it and say at one particular moment your life changed... you can't say exactly that it was when your best friend died or you got raped or you lost your virginity or you got beaten up or you got betrayed... or betrayed someone else... maybe some people can look at one event like that and say 'that's when my life changed', but... to me it doesn't seem like that.

The last couple of days are seriously the crappiest, most boring time! The dreaded..... dare I say it...... meetings at work... >< Words can't do it anti-justice. I'm knackered. I feel really fat and horrible from eating work-buffet... >< (even though several people have asked me if I lost weight recently... I have no clue why, because I don't think I have... O_o ... but I still feel fat and horrible in spite of those comments T_T).

Yesterday I went out with this guy... let's call him "Steve". He wasn't quite like I expected... but I liked him, anyway. We share the same views - mostly. With some exceptions. Islam is one of the exceptions. Steve thinks it's just an "evil cult" and can't (or won't) see anything good in it at all. Whereas to my way of thinking, there are some positive aspects/teachings, it's just that some people take the precepts and twist them in order to control people and get power for themselves. I mean, in any organised human structure - whether it is a religion or some other kind of structure like a big company - there are gonna be some good aspects and then some bastards who are only out for themselves and use the structure for their own ends.

But that's by the by...