I am the real Kinsao Ikioa. My interests encompass the whole world, with the exception of golf. I enjoy music, especially metal, J-rock, goth, industrial goth and late-20th-century rock. At the moment my favourite bands include Közi, Malice Mizer, Dir en grey, Alice Cooper, SID, Avenged Sevenfold, Kagerou, D'espairsRay, Eve of Destiny, Aushvitz, Art Marju Duchain, Kagrra and many others. I trained as a Fine Art practitioner. I also like motorbikes (particularly classic British bikes), darkness, holidays, hot blokes and vanilla ice latte (not necessarily in that order). I speak French and English and I am learning Japanese. I currently live and work in England.
Wheee! How these things go.... Car..... Darkness......
I am not exactly how I would wish to be..... It's difficult sometimes. Difficult to deal with. Because I can change myself... I'm big on changing myself. It's what keeps me optimistic. If I didn't believe in my ability to change myself, I'd get very depressed about all sorts of things. I'd worry about getting old, about being too fat and too ugly and too incompetant at so many things... But as it is, I don't need to worry, because I'm a big believer in it being up to me to change myself and my life so that it becomes the way I want it. Hell, maybe I'll live for a long time, I don't know! Maybe one day I'll wake up and I'll be 75 years old, and what would be the point in just sitting in my armchair eating cookies and thinking "I can't do anything except feel sorry for myself because I'm an unattractive old lady who's only interest is crochet" (or something like that... lol)? No matter how old you get, you still have a future, dammit! Even if you're only gonna live for one more day! And you can always, always shape that future. OK, so maybe you don't have as much control over it as you'd like - you can't work miracles, right? But once you start thinking like that, it's surprising how much you can change if you really want to. Sometimes you need to make sacrifices, and sometimes, compromises, but you still have the freedom to choose, to make decisions.
But there are some things about myself that I can't change, and that makes me feel bad. It seems that some things are hardwired into my nature - something to with brain chemistry - maybe even more hardwired than brain chemistry, which can, after all, be changed. Genetics, maybe? Or something else that I don't understand? Whatever... I feel... somehow... I feel my limits. A kind of implosion of the sense of 'self'. The way the 'self' that I think I am can't escape from something else... an illusion that I'm controlling my thoughts, actions, reactions and - to some extent - feelings... but really... there is something else... that is me... and yet... is not me...
Eehheehhheee, this starts to sound like a bad piece of science fiction! >< Why do all my attempts at 'thinking' just end up with me babbling crap? T_T
I got an email from the Machine. Bloody hell! Will I never get rid of that man? It seems he is doomed to be the albatross (or is it millstone? whatever...) around my neck for the rest of my life. Like Jacques. I haven't heard from Jacques in 3 years! But strangely, everyone who has known us both is firmly convinced he'll turn up again. O_o Don't ask me why they think that - I haven't a clue. But, I can see the Machine turning into a similar 'legend'... lol. He wanted to know why I was angry with him. I haven't mailed him back, although I probably will do eventually. If he doesn't call me, first. I hope he doesn't! I want to get a whole night's sleep sometime soon, dammit! ><
No news yet from Steve about whether he's going on Saturday. I guess I'll have to wake up in the morning... T_T
Woah, woah, woah! I need a vacation! I *badly* need a vacation! I love the winter season... but right now... I want 2 weeks in the sun... I want to lie on the beach, with hardly anyone about (just a few hot guys to make things interesting, lol), feel the soft sand, read a stack of literature, maybe do a bit of writing, get a healthy tan, spend hours and hours playing the guitar and keyboard, drink white wine and cocktails at sunset, have beach barbecues, play football and frisbee, swim in the sea, dance all night in clubs, do plenty of Japanese language learning....... draw and paint.... (Yes, I need definitely a luxury hotel suite!)
I love winter... and Christmas... but it feels melancholy to me at the same time, because of all the nostalgia associated with being a kid. It's definitely not true that 'school days are the happiest days of your life' (what a load of crap!), but there is something... looking back... to have no responsibilities is good... not that I really have any now! It's not so much responsibility as a kind of innocence... even though I didn't think it at the time... hell, when I was a kid I had just as many (if not more) pains and worries and... reasons to be unhappy... now... my life is good... I'm lucky... but all the same... what happened to innocence? It's not like you can pinpoint it and say at one particular moment your life changed... you can't say exactly that it was when your best friend died or you got raped or you lost your virginity or you got beaten up or you got betrayed... or betrayed someone else... maybe some people can look at one event like that and say 'that's when my life changed', but... to me it doesn't seem like that.
The last couple of days are seriously the crappiest, most boring time! The dreaded..... dare I say it...... meetings at work... >< Words can't do it anti-justice. I'm knackered. I feel really fat and horrible from eating work-buffet... >< (even though several people have asked me if I lost weight recently... I have no clue why, because I don't think I have... O_o ... but I still feel fat and horrible in spite of those comments T_T).
Good stuff? Well... I'm making OK progress on learning "Regret". ^_^ Only the first 2 pages, but it's not bad considering I've only been playing keyboard since 6 months and I'm self-taught (even if I did know music before). The chords on some of the later pages I have heard said are weird, but I've had a try at playing through and to be honest, compared with guitar music they don't look extraordinary to me. I think it's coz a lot of guitar pieces are composed without being written down in actual music, and then they get notated and/or tabbed later on... so the chords etc. are all over the place...
I wish I had more time to practice, though. I swear while I was sitting in those hideous meetings, I was craving for my keyboard like a kid for a comfort blanket! It's true! I felt like I just wanted to cry... T_T Lol.
Mom came over last night for her birthday so that I could give her some gifts and the cake I made... I tried it and actually it tasted fine! Yay! Victory! ^_^ Mmmm... I can maybe cook after all... lol.
Yesterday I had 3 meals... I had breakfast, and a lunch at the meeting (work-buffet ><), and I had to have dinner because of mom being there >< And today I had breakfast again O_o and more work-buffet (what IS it with these things? lol)... and... maybe that's why I feel so... replete I think is the word, hehe. I'll probably end up having dinner again tonight (cup-a-soup, which is my staple diet; hardly what you'd call a massive feast <<)... but for about 3 weeks I hardly ate at all... about 2 or 3 cup-a-soups in one week, and a couple of yoghurts. But then, I know of course that it's bad for you and makes you put on more weight because you're body thinks it's starving. So I thought I'd be maybe better off to try and eat 3 small meals a day even if I'm not hungry. Goodness knows I don't want to fall into the "yo-yo dieting" trap! O_o
OMFG... I can't believe I'm actually writing about my food intake in here! O_o That is so sad. Shut up already, Kinsao! << Don't I have even anything better to think about? Of course! What, like Steve? Shut up! I mailed him back... I don't know whether he's going on Saturday. Mom says he offered to give me a lift... but he never said anything about it to ME! lol - only to mom... >< So I guess I'll end up catching the train. T_T Unless he calls or emails before then... but in his email he mentioned meeting up for a drink, so it didn't sound like he was planning to call for me on Saturday. T_T
Where else could I woffle on and on shamelessly about my meals and blokes, like some sad teenager? Nowhere! Thank dah lawd for blogs! ^_^
Gotta run anyway - I've got my Japanese class. I wonder how that guy's gig went? Must ask him! ^_^ Then... I guess it's instant miso soup and bread for me! Lol. Like you really wanted to know that..... <<
It's gonna be a sooooo cold winter in the UK this year, so I hear from the news. And SNOW at the weekend! I love snow! Yeah - even when I have to travel. ^_^
Yesterday I went out with this guy... let's call him "Steve". He wasn't quite like I expected... but I liked him, anyway. We share the same views - mostly. With some exceptions. Islam is one of the exceptions. Steve thinks it's just an "evil cult" and can't (or won't) see anything good in it at all. Whereas to my way of thinking, there are some positive aspects/teachings, it's just that some people take the precepts and twist them in order to control people and get power for themselves. I mean, in any organised human structure - whether it is a religion or some other kind of structure like a big company - there are gonna be some good aspects and then some bastards who are only out for themselves and use the structure for their own ends.
But that's by the by...
I was only expecting to be out for the morning, but then we went out for lunch... lol, Steve asked me if I wore SFX contact lenses! O_o I must have inadvertently fixed him with a laser-like stare... *_* Then we went up to an abbey near the pub (out in the country) and talked for a bit about how we could get started on some pro-life work... and then, he wanted to talk with my mom (who is a bit of an expert in that field!) and suggested that we drive over and visit her! O_o Hehe... (well, he's American and distances are a totally different concept in the States... lol). I seriously didn't think she'd be in, but I gave her a call and she was just returning home, so indeed we did stop by! Helped her with a few tasks, had dinner and talked... it was pretty cool, actually. ^_^
So - Steve. Nice guy or dangerous schismatic? LMAO! I've no clue...
The Machine called me just as I was getting ready to hit the hay for the night. He wanted to talk seriously (the first time he's ever done that on the phone, now I come to think about it).
*le sigh*
He was asking me difficult questions! Things like: "When you say you love me, what do you mean?" If I could answer that, I'd be some kind of brainy philosopher; I'd probably be writing a book! What do I mean by love? What is love? I don't bloody know!!!
I think he's confusing love with sex. Maybe he isn't as mature as I give him credit for, after all?
I was trying to explain to him that I can't give him what he wants. He's lonely and he wants company. He wants a serious, long term relationship. If he just wanted sex, that would be quite simple. I mean, it's a yes/no decision - do I fuck him or don't I? And that's up to me. But it's not just that, he wants. OK, physical satisfaction yes, but that wouldn't be enough for him after a while. He'd feel better for a few hours or a day, but in the long run he'd be getting only the physical, I couldn't meet his emotional needs. Probably he'd end up feeling even more used.
He said it would be easier for him if I was some kind of mean person, but I'm too much of a "nice" person. It's quite funny, because I was thinking exactly the same thing about him! But it's infuriating that he thinks I'm so "nice" when I know damn well I'm not...! The only reason I seem "nice" is that I don't bitch at people for no reason. And that's the whole point - "no reason". If there isn't a reason, why in hell should I be mean?
But... a reason was developing... I was becoming more and more pissed off as the conversation went on... lol. He asked me: "What do you want?" and I said, "Nothing!" That's the truth. I don't "want" anything from him! And he said, "Well then, why did you tell me you loved me?" Grrrrrrrrrr! How do I explain that I don't love people just because I want something from them?!? How do I explain that I can't explain?
I tried to warn him that I was getting near the end of my tether... that my fuse was getting shorter. And he said to me: "I think you're just pretending to be mean..." That finished me off. If the guy won't listen to the meaning of my words... won't take any notice of what I am saying... ::angry:: I just shouted "I'm not fucking pretending!!!" and slammed the phone down. I felt loads better after doing that, getting something off my chest, letting off steam, that sort of thing. ^_^
I was considering emailing him today (in cold blood, so to speak) to explain exactly why I'm not the right person for a relationship with him, but right at the moment I don't want to. I prefer to just leave it like a door that has slammed. Part of me wishes that he could know that I am always here for him... I will always care about him. I was telling the truth, but he doesn't understand what I mean by love, and maybe he never will understand. But that's his problem, not mine. If he contacts me again I will explain, but only then.
I asked my share of questions to him, too; I asked, "Why do you carry on contacting me when I am no use to you?" and he couldn't answer that. He didn't know. (So why the hell should he expect me to know the answers to his questions?) I also said *incredulous voice* "You don't love me, do you?" There was a long silence and he said... "... I don't know... I feel... something..."
*another sigh*
I guess this is finally it and I won't hear from him again. Jeez, how many times have I said that and genuinely believed it! But this time I really think so (she says... lol). I actually want to hear from him again, so that I can tie up the loose ends - explain why I'm wrong for him. But if I don't... well, like I said, it's his problem, not mine. ^_^
Met up with my old friends from Uni today. I hadn't seen them since we went to Barcelona in the summer - and I hadn't seen Roy for almost a year! O_o
Ate, drank, talked... and some had already bought Christmas presents! O_o I've only just managed to get Mom some birthday presents, never mind thinking about Christmas! My financial fiasco hasn't helped, either... >> Looks like I'm gonna have to do some hard thinking (and spending!) during December... Normally I try and get just a few things during Nov, just to make life a bit easier for myself (cool gizmos from catalogues, usually), but this year... nothing. *le sigh*
I really need to get my ass in gear, just as soon as my next pay comes in.
Dala is 2 years old now, and talking a bit... not that we can really understand what she's saying, lol. Mary and Anne are both starting to get a bit broody >> not something I can sympathise with as yet (even though they're only the same age as me... well, about 6 months older is all). I'm quite philosophical on that front.
We had a good laugh. I did the hand elephants thing for them.
Michelle's new house is nice. She's moved up in the world! ^_^ O_o
We talked about... nothing in particular... y'know how it is! Just enjoyed each other's company. ^_^
Why trust you? You never made a dream come true...
I keep thinking about the Machine and trying to put myself in his place. I want to know what he is thinking, what he is feeling, and what his motivations are.
I'd prefer to think of the simple solution - that he just wants an easy shag. OK, so I thought he would have been well put off by now, but that's my viewpoint, not his - perhaps I seem like a much easier push-over than I think I am. Maybe he thinks I'm easily influenced, and is certain that I'll cave in before too long. It's not a very flattering idea - that he thinks I'm a weak personality - but I have to consider the possibility.
The reason why I'd prefer that to be the solution, is that other ideas are too complicated for me! If there is more in his calculations that just simply sex... well then, I don't know.
He says, "You don't understand me" - and he's right.
But the fact that he was saying things like that... trotting out the corny old lines... "You don't understand me"... "You don't love me"... "You don't care about me"... suggests that he wants something... emotionally.
Haha, it seems (at the moment, at least!) that I'm somehow irresistable to him! He could wait only three days before calling me... I seem to hold some kind of attraction that makes him keep coming back when all he gets is sorrow and frustration. Maybe that sounds too self-flattering, but it's a new experience for me. I don't see myself in the role of the seductive, charismatic temptress! Far from it. I don't understand why he seems to be so interested in me if it isn't just for sex. Well, he admits himself that he's not the kind of guy who can buy sex, so it seems like he feels most comfortable in a committed relationship, and maybe he thinks I'd be handy for that, because after all, I am quite loyal by nature - I don't cheat on guys (well... not reeeeally...). So it could be that I'm simply the best of a bad job - that he doesn't really enjoy picking up random girls in pubs and clubs (even if they don't charge!).
I just can't offer him what he wants. He wants someone... someone... permanent. Not necessarily to settle down geographically, but to settle down emotionally. And, no matter if I fuck him 1,000 times, that's one thing I'm not going to be doing. I can't marry him (what he originally wanted) and I won't live with him, so if that's what he's after our relationship has no future beyond mutual using.
Two sides to life... two sides to fun... the one who does it and the one that gets done
DAMN HIM! DAMN HIM! DAMN HIM!
The Machine called me at midnight last night. ><
I really, honestly thought I had heard the last of him this time. I had hurt his pride, made him feel stupid, humiliated him and denied him what he wanted. After all that, WHY THE HELL DOES HE WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN?????
My trouble is, I'm too "nice". I don't mean that as a compliment to myself. If anything, it's an insult. I'm a bit of a doormat. I'm easy-going. I like to keep people happy. Generally speaking, if other people are happy, then I'm happy, too.
That makes me sound so submissive. Which is strange, because I'm not submissive at all. Well, everyone's character has contradictions in fact - no-one's personality is simple and straightforward.
The thing that stops me from being a total doormat is my argumentative and stubborn nature. If there's one thing guaranteed to get me to do something, it's to tell me to do the opposite! Which doesn't sit very well with wanting to please people... hehe. When I get into the contrary mood, I take pleasure in deliberately going against someone and NOT doing what they want. Which was how I was with the Machine.
But there was some part of me that didn't want to make him unhappy, too.
Maybe he thinks he still stands a chance of winning me over if he sees me again. Hell, he might be right! If it hadn't been the wrong time of the month, I'd probably have fucked him on Sunday. I admit it. I'm a human being and I have physical desires too!
But, I didn't. And I don't want to fuck him - not rationally. It wouldn't do either of us any good. It really would just be me using him to get some pleasure. On Monday my mood was like: So what? Why not? But now... in the cold light of day I don't feel like that. I don't *really* want to be that kind of selfish person. But I'm concerned that... I'll get carried away... I'm reckless, I know I am, and... could so easily have...
I deliberately wrote this just before I need to go for a training session, so that I didn't go on for too long! >< So... have to be off now.
My trouble is, I'm so contrary. Argumentative. When I was a kid, a tiny kid, my parents used to say my middle name should have been "argumentative". All the while I was growing up, I had that trait. When I got to my late teens, I really started to make an effort to keep it under control. I vowed not to argue with my art tutor or my driving instructor - and I succeeded, although that was more due to their good nature than my improvement!
I can only change myself so far. I can change my behaviour to some extent, and in fact I'd almost forgotten how ornery I can be. But I can't change my whole nature. And...........
............ that was the trouble between me and the Machine. There seems to be something in my nature that makes me want - badly want - to do the opposite of what I know the other person wants! I stop when he wants me to go - simply out of contrariness ("why should I do what he wants?"). I go when he wants me to stop - because it feels good to disobey him. To feel him oppose me.
Of course, I knew he didn't really want me to stop. But he did say it. "Stop!" There's something irresistable about having a guy lying beneath you and responding to your touch and begging you to stop and knowing that he's in your power.............. mwahahahahaha!!!
God, the word "stop" is like a red rag to a bull, to me! I never knew I was so... intractable.
***
There is something good happening in my life, though. I contacted... what shall I call him? Z (I don't think I've used that letter yet!), who is interested in doing pro-life work in our city. Mom had given me his phone number. He seemed pleased to hear from me and is keen. He's a businessman, seems very politically savvy, and has had experience of organisation. Sounds really promising!
Anyway, he wanted to get a "mini-meeting" of interested people set up as soon as possible, so I said I'd ring round all my contacts and try and get a bunch of possible dates (or at least find out when people aren't available). I've managed to get in touch with everyone except 2 people - but, out of all my contacts so far, only S is really enthusiastic. Well, that makes up for a lot, because she's REALLY enthusiastic! That's cool... and she is also very well-versed politically (she actually works for the same organisation as me), and very proactive too. ^_^
One of the Marions would have been interested but she's going away for a few weeks... everyone else said they didn't have time (how do they think I manage? I have theatre 2 or 3 times a week, front of house once, Japanese class and committee meetings... >>). Quite a few people said they either didn't have time to come to a meeting but "I'll help" (yeah, yeah >>), or wouldn't give me their dates/non-dates but asked me to let them know when we'd fixed a date. And K said she'd tell the people at the prayer group that she organises (although I don't hold out much hope from that).
Z and I also exchanged email addresses, and we've sent a few emails back and forth already. He wants me to come to Mass with him on Sunday, a tridentene Mass at someone's (who shall remain nameless - he's a well-known figure in my city!) private house. He said he could call round for me and we could either drive or walk there together. He also sent me some links to pro-life sites. He seems on the ball. I think he's a nice person, too... So... plenty of reason to be optimistic! ^_^ It feels good to be actually DOING something on the pro-life front, after all this time, too.
"You're just waiting to become food... my mouth opens"
............................................
I don't know what to say.
Fact. I don't know whether I have "fallen out" with the Machine or not.
Sometimes I think he was angry with me, sometimes I think not. Maybe "angry" is too strong a word. Perhaps I should say, he is upset with me.
He is hurt, I know that. Hurt because I won't fuck him. Hurt because that means I leave him frustrated. Hurt because I take him so far and no further. And I don't want to hurt him - I don't do it deliberately. But I think - why the hell should I fuck him if I don't want to? It's my choice. Why should I fuck him just to make him feel good - feel better? Why should I fuck him out of pity?
Because that wouldn't change anything, anyway. He says "you don't love me... you don't care about me" (jeez, I never thought anyone would say that to me, it sounds like something out of bad screenplay! O_o), but if I would go down on him or fuck him, would that make any difference? You can bet it wouldn't. I even said to him, "can you really think that if I fuck you that would mean I loved you?"
Love isn't the same as desire, anyway. He thinks I don't love him because of the way I tormented him. But I didn't do that because I wanted to make him feel frustrated. I did it because I am a human being with desires, too.
If I had fucked him, it would have proved nothing, and I'm certain sure that he'd only have felt worse in the long run. If he already thinks I just used him for my own pleasure, surely he would think that even more if I had fucked him also? without loving him (as he believes)?
I warned him ages ago, anyway, that I would selfishly use him for a good time (yes, in those literal words!).
He is inconsiderate, anyway. Passionate maybe, but inconsiderate too. I wouldn't go so far as to say "aggressive" because that wouldn't be fair to him. "Inconsiderate" is definitely more like it. He has no awareness (or care) for whether I am crushed, uncomfortable or suffocating. >< Well, it's only to be expected. No-one can be so very considerate in the throes of passion! lol. But my neck is still aching from fighting against him... >>
I feel kind of... unhappy, and yet... somehow I don't care, either. If that makes any sense.
I think I'm unhappy because I know I behaved wrongly towards him and made him feel bad, and yet I made him feel even worse by refusing to behave even more "wrongly"! Therefore I have damaged on both sides by sitting on the fence. ;_;;;
*sigh* Life is complicated, but at least there is never any need to despair...
Well, my weekend was completely wasted, but at least it is over. I wonder what will happen? whether he will ever contact me again? I don't care one way or the other. On balance I think I'd rather be without him, but if he wants to stay in touch, that's fine too.
put your money down... take your choice... that's the way it is... every time with these boys...
I was chatting with the Machine for a short time last night. I ranted mildly about my financial screwage, and guess what he said?
"Hmmm".
Great response, huh? Really concerned. Really... intelligent. Really... caring. >> I mean, it's not as if he even told me to shut up, or overrode me with a problem of his own that was more important. Just - "hmmm". *snarls and swings fists*
Work sucks at the moment, too. It seems like everything is causing me worry.
At least... to trot out the corny phrase, at least it's Friday tomorrow. It'll be one helluva day, but then - 2 days of not having to go to work... even though... well... you know. And I'm damn well gonna relax on my weekend and sod what he likes or wants.
I'm gonna restring both my guitars as well. ^_^
And, a good thing did happen - mom called me with a "contact"! He's American but living in my city at the moment... apparently he owns a kitchen-design business... When I say "contact" I am talking "business" here, you understand. What business, I'm not saying right now... Anyway, he is also talented in the field of destroying buildings, so in short, a very useful man to have around! I've got his address and mobile number and I'm gonna call him at the weekend. According to mom, he's very interested in starting up a local group, which is something I've wanted to do for a couple of years but haven't yet got my lazy ass in gear to actually gather myself some "followers" and do it. But with a partner in crime, yeah, I can see myself getting galvanised. ^_^
One last good thing to help lift me out of my pissed-off and depressed mood - I got the whole La:Sadies discography today! Yaaaaaaaaaay! (It's really rare - I had trouble finding any La:Sadies at all for ages.)
It's been a while since I've written in here - I've been busy at work and even busier at home. Why, oh why, is there never enough TIIIIIIIIME! *wails madly* I'm lucky if I can get an hour to practice the guitar in the evenings before I have to go out again... and that's if I skip dinner T_T... let alone an hour or more on the keyboard, which has been sadly neglected lately. Plus I'm working on these trousers I'm decorating - I wanted to get them finished for tomorrow, but no way - probably not even by the weekend. >< Not to mention my paintings and drawing.
*sighhh*
And to cap it all, my bank withdrew my November rent twice. Grrrr! They "hope" to fix it (I should damn well think so!) but I won't know for a couple of days >> and it's just what I didn't need when I need to buy stuff for Mom's birthday, I have to buy a train ticket to see my friends in a week and a half, the Machine is staying this weekend (which means I need food ><) and I also need to start thinking about buying Christmas presents. AND a ticket for Mom to see "Joseph"... and other stuff.... T_T
Not my lucky week.... ;_;;;
Yeah, the Machine is coming round Friday night and staying through Sunday. Not my ideal situation, but... >>
Saturday started off infuriating... I went into town to buy one item, and ended up spending ages waiting in queues.... queue for the fitting room... then to pay... then for the toilets... then to buy a drink........ aaaaarghhh... *fumes*
Still, it turned into a good day as Mom called round and we went to see "Wallace and Gromit and the curse of the were-rabbit". I love Wallace and Gromit, it always makes me laugh without fail. I just love the way it parodies all these different film genres... ^_^ And we had fireworks, of course (I love fireworks! ^_^) and BBQ food even though I don't have a BBQ... lol.
And Sunday was quite a productive day for me (for a change) in terms of actually getting things done. ^_^ (Except for the garden; it was raining horribly ><)
On Friday I did front of house and saw "Anna Karenina". It was excellent! (yes, I say it, even though it was produced by Amy who hates me...) I thought the ending, although very good and effective, might have been nicked from Arkane's version of "In the Penal Colony", actually! The train was composed of people, and when she fell in front of the train, there was a red spotlight... exactly how Arkane got the machine to rip the Officer apart...
I've got a role in the next play, which is "Out Of Order". Only a small role; I'm the Spanish maid who comes on 3 times and has about 10 lines (if that). Still, it's better than nothing. ^_^ It's what they call "a nice little part" (>>); it's up to me to make something of it.
