(in the dark.... naturally. XD)

Yaaaaay! I finally got a day at home and was able to dance about ridiculously to music, waving my duster and spray can like a proper *housewife* XDDDD!!! And my house is all gleaming and fragrant... well... not quite... it's just... not a hovel. O_~

But more importantly... plenty of guitar and keyboard practice. ^______^
*dances*

And I did an avatar for 'Diru'... I hope he likes it... it's not fantastic but I hope to get the chance to have a go at doing some more, too. It's difficult to put 2 pictures together and make it look good.

Steve called for me this morning and we drove out to a couple of 'Christmas fairs' - the last one was the one that mom organised. It seemed to be going with a swing when we got there - plenty of people, lots of things going on...

By the time we left to go on a walk, it was pretty late - too late to set out for a 19km walk, anyway. We drove out of town and parked up near a small village, and we walked across fields and up and down hills for a short while... Then Steve took it into his head to walk to another village while we still had a bit of light left in the sky... It wasn't all that far, maybe 4km or so, but it was hella muddy, and it started raining (and getting dark! lol) while we were stranded in a beet field half way through. >< Some date, huh!

Haha - I enjoyed it, though. I like walking in the country because it's kinda nostalgic... reminds me of when I was a kid and used to go picking conkers in the autumn. I don't get the chance to do that now I live in a city, so I miss it. And it's good to see the orange leaves and smell the fresh air. ^^

I never thought there was something nice about crunching through beet with wet socks in the dark and rain. It just goes to show - you can open your mind to something new everyday... =D

We walked back via the road... during the last part Steve held my hand because it was cold (aww... ), lol. The meal was delish. ^^ But there was a kinda freaky part... Steve told me I looked pretty and had nice eyes... wtf?!?!? I'm not pretty! I'm just plain and ordinary looking. Ms Normal, that's me. But that kind of thing is starting to make my head spin round, and not in a good way. Because of stuff the Machine has said, too. What the hell's going on that I seem to be attractive all of a sudden? @_@

Well, regardless, it was nice to get complimented and have him put an arm around me and hold my hand - which he did all the way back to the car, which had been parked up a lane which was as black as the Earl of Hell's waistcoat. We talked deeply and meaningfully about various things... lol. Disagreeing on some things - of course. I find him... a 'good sort' (lol) but somewhat... intractable, I think is the word. And intolerant (even though he insists he's a tolerant person!). For example, he only likes people he sees as 'educated'. << He makes a judgement of whether someone is 'educated' depending on their accent and manner and way of acting, straightaway... and he thinks people who are educated are somehow 'better' people. I can't agree with that! ::shock:: I agree that of course it's beneficial for people to get educated because it helps you to use your mind more... and I think that people who aren't educated but who are intelligent will tend to use their intelligence to learn and improve their mind anyway (even if they aren't aware that's what they're doing). But I also think that some people who aren't 'educated' but who look beyond the confines of their own situation can be 'better' people than some who have had the advantage of education but in fact use that to become lazy and make a good impression without actually having to do much real thinking. I just think Steve's attitude is really judgemental. I try to look at people for who they are, and obviously some people haven't had the luck and chances that other people have, but you have to look at what they are like as a person, not all the peripheral stuff that gets bolted on later.

He also looks at the past through rose-tinted glasses. He thinks that society 'these days' is worse than it's ever been. Well, I agree that some things are worse. But often that's to do with science and technology (and its availability) - things have changed in ways that they couldn't before. And yeah, in a lot of ways he is right and society is 'worse'... but I still think he idealises the past. Because although technology changes, human nature doesn't change. There is still the same capacity for evil in people and that has always been the same, just the tools and media they can use have changed.

And I don't think people were necessarily 'better' in the past just because they were conforming to a 'better' set of rules. Those rules might have been more good for society, in fact, but I don't see the great merit in conforming to 'good' rules just because society demands it of you. If you're not thinking for yourself but just doing what you're told - or obeying the rules reluctantly - there isn't any moral benefit for a person in that. I just think he's overlooking - or failing to imagine - some of the things that went terribly wrong in society in the past. Not having lived in the past, I can't prove anything, though... ><

In spite of it all, I think he's a pretty sound guy. ^^ He's very considerate...

It's amazing how things can change so much in such a short time... *thinks back to 2 weeks ago*

Steve asked me out for a drink and a meal this evening. It was pretty cool, actually. I like getting calls on the spur of the moment, especially on a Friday night. ^_^

I wonder... I can't help wondering... (lmao - I'm starting to sound all coy!!!)... if he's... (*laughs at self again*)... interested in me. I have a feeling I should have put that in inverted commas... 'interested' in me. That thought... makes me want to laugh hysterically. I'm not sure why, except that its late and I'm tired and I get hysterical easily when I'm tired. There just strikes me as something funny about it...

Probably it seems strange (funny-haha and funny-peculiar, both) because he's so hardline. I mean, he's a 'good boy'... hehe. Human, of course... but... more hardline than me. I agree with him 100% on some of the things he says, but some of them seem... restrictive to me. I don't mean exactly the things themselves, but the atmosphere that exudes from him saying them. If that makes any sense.

I couldn't help getting the impression he was... I dunno... can I use the word 'interested' again? lol. Yeah................. He was telling me about some issues in his life at the moment... but also... things like... happening to mention about some girl that had been interested in him but he wasn't interested in her... because she didn't share the same values... and... texting his friend, who I don't know, and saying 'hi from Kinsao' (his friend is gonna be wondering 'who the hell is Kinsao?!?)... it's like as if he wanted his friend to know he was with me... to get an excuse to explain who I am... I think I'm totally not making sense here. *I* know what I mean... even if no one else does...

Anyway, he's calling for me tomorrow morning to go to this fete-thingy, and then he suggested we go for a walk in the afternoon. Actually I'd been hoping to get at least the later part of the afternoon at home to catch up on some things, but it doesn't look like that's going to be happening, seeing as the walk he's suggested is about 19km! >< I gotta do it, though, it's a matter of honour... seriously, if 19km would make me tired I ought to be ashamed of myself! Jeez, I can even run for 5km and not be tired. << It's the time thing. But I'll get Sunday, at least, to myself! *cheers up*

Hell, it sounds like I don't wanna spend time with him... and obviously, I do (well duuhh... I wouldn't be going if I didn't). I just can't imagine... mehh, I'm gonna use another really outdated phrase... I can't imagine being 'with' him (blehh, I even had to put it in inverted commas... what *is* the matter with me XDD). I don't mean 'with' in *that* way (wow! inverted-comma-fest!)... I meant 'with' in the most innocent, innocuous, happy-coupley way. It's just like... yeah, we share a lot of the same values, but... there are lots of things about me he doesn't know... and I get the feeling wouldn't like if he did... >< And they're things I'm not prepared to give up. I don't want to turn into a resentful slave. <<

Guess I'm reading far too much into little things... but, in the past I've been right about those kinds of things, even directly from the beginning.

It seems to be my fate in life that any guys who are *seriously* interested in me are the ones I can't possibly be with, usually for reasons outside my control. T_T I was thinking back recently to when I was 16. If someone had told me then, that anyone would *ever* ask me to marry them, I'd have literally burst out laughing. It still seems ridiculous to me! But - and this is the oddest part - since then two guys have asked me to marry them (well, two seriously and one out of desperation... lol... I don't count him ><). And I couldn't accept either of them, for technical reasons which are too complicated to go into here and which would compromise their privacy anyway. I always used to say that I could never accept anyone who asked me to marry him, because the very fact of him asking the question would mean he was not quite right in the head. It would seem that that's true. <<

Wheee! How these things go.... Car..... Darkness......

I am not exactly how I would wish to be..... It's difficult sometimes. Difficult to deal with. Because I can change myself... I'm big on changing myself. It's what keeps me optimistic. If I didn't believe in my ability to change myself, I'd get very depressed about all sorts of things. I'd worry about getting old, about being too fat and too ugly and too incompetant at so many things... But as it is, I don't need to worry, because I'm a big believer in it being up to me to change myself and my life so that it becomes the way I want it. Hell, maybe I'll live for a long time, I don't know! Maybe one day I'll wake up and I'll be 75 years old, and what would be the point in just sitting in my armchair eating cookies and thinking "I can't do anything except feel sorry for myself because I'm an unattractive old lady who's only interest is crochet" (or something like that... lol)? No matter how old you get, you still have a future, dammit! Even if you're only gonna live for one more day! And you can always, always shape that future. OK, so maybe you don't have as much control over it as you'd like - you can't work miracles, right? But once you start thinking like that, it's surprising how much you can change if you really want to. Sometimes you need to make sacrifices, and sometimes, compromises, but you still have the freedom to choose, to make decisions.

But there are some things about myself that I can't change, and that makes me feel bad. It seems that some things are hardwired into my nature - something to with brain chemistry - maybe even more hardwired than brain chemistry, which can, after all, be changed. Genetics, maybe? Or something else that I don't understand? Whatever... I feel... somehow... I feel my limits. A kind of implosion of the sense of 'self'. The way the 'self' that I think I am can't escape from something else... an illusion that I'm controlling my thoughts, actions, reactions and - to some extent - feelings... but really... there is something else... that is me... and yet... is not me...

Eehheehhheee, this starts to sound like a bad piece of science fiction! >< Why do all my attempts at 'thinking' just end up with me babbling crap? T_T

I got an email from the Machine. Bloody hell! Will I never get rid of that man? It seems he is doomed to be the albatross (or is it millstone? whatever...) around my neck for the rest of my life. Like Jacques. I haven't heard from Jacques in 3 years! But strangely, everyone who has known us both is firmly convinced he'll turn up again. O_o Don't ask me why they think that - I haven't a clue. But, I can see the Machine turning into a similar 'legend'... lol. He wanted to know why I was angry with him. I haven't mailed him back, although I probably will do eventually. If he doesn't call me, first. I hope he doesn't! I want to get a whole night's sleep sometime soon, dammit! ><

No news yet from Steve about whether he's going on Saturday. I guess I'll have to wake up in the morning... T_T

Woah, woah, woah! I need a vacation! I *badly* need a vacation! I love the winter season... but right now... I want 2 weeks in the sun... I want to lie on the beach, with hardly anyone about (just a few hot guys to make things interesting, lol), feel the soft sand, read a stack of literature, maybe do a bit of writing, get a healthy tan, spend hours and hours playing the guitar and keyboard, drink white wine and cocktails at sunset, have beach barbecues, play football and frisbee, swim in the sea, dance all night in clubs, do plenty of Japanese language learning....... draw and paint.... (Yes, I need definitely a luxury hotel suite!)

I love winter... and Christmas... but it feels melancholy to me at the same time, because of all the nostalgia associated with being a kid. It's definitely not true that 'school days are the happiest days of your life' (what a load of crap!), but there is something... looking back... to have no responsibilities is good... not that I really have any now! It's not so much responsibility as a kind of innocence... even though I didn't think it at the time... hell, when I was a kid I had just as many (if not more) pains and worries and... reasons to be unhappy... now... my life is good... I'm lucky... but all the same... what happened to innocence? It's not like you can pinpoint it and say at one particular moment your life changed... you can't say exactly that it was when your best friend died or you got raped or you lost your virginity or you got beaten up or you got betrayed... or betrayed someone else... maybe some people can look at one event like that and say 'that's when my life changed', but... to me it doesn't seem like that.

The last couple of days are seriously the crappiest, most boring time! The dreaded..... dare I say it...... meetings at work... >< Words can't do it anti-justice. I'm knackered. I feel really fat and horrible from eating work-buffet... >< (even though several people have asked me if I lost weight recently... I have no clue why, because I don't think I have... O_o ... but I still feel fat and horrible in spite of those comments T_T).

Yesterday I went out with this guy... let's call him "Steve". He wasn't quite like I expected... but I liked him, anyway. We share the same views - mostly. With some exceptions. Islam is one of the exceptions. Steve thinks it's just an "evil cult" and can't (or won't) see anything good in it at all. Whereas to my way of thinking, there are some positive aspects/teachings, it's just that some people take the precepts and twist them in order to control people and get power for themselves. I mean, in any organised human structure - whether it is a religion or some other kind of structure like a big company - there are gonna be some good aspects and then some bastards who are only out for themselves and use the structure for their own ends.

But that's by the by...

Met up with my old friends from Uni today. I hadn't seen them since we went to Barcelona in the summer - and I hadn't seen Roy for almost a year! O_o

Ate, drank, talked... and some had already bought Christmas presents! O_o I've only just managed to get Mom some birthday presents, never mind thinking about Christmas! My financial fiasco hasn't helped, either... >> Looks like I'm gonna have to do some hard thinking (and spending!) during December... Normally I try and get just a few things during Nov, just to make life a bit easier for myself (cool gizmos from catalogues, usually), but this year... nothing. *le sigh*

I really need to get my ass in gear, just as soon as my next pay comes in.

Dala is 2 years old now, and talking a bit... not that we can really understand what she's saying, lol. Mary and Anne are both starting to get a bit broody >> not something I can sympathise with as yet (even though they're only the same age as me... well, about 6 months older is all). I'm quite philosophical on that front.

We had a good laugh. I did the hand elephants thing for them.

Michelle's new house is nice. She's moved up in the world! ^_^ O_o

We talked about... nothing in particular... y'know how it is! Just enjoyed each other's company. ^_^

I keep thinking about the Machine and trying to put myself in his place. I want to know what he is thinking, what he is feeling, and what his motivations are.

I'd prefer to think of the simple solution - that he just wants an easy shag. OK, so I thought he would have been well put off by now, but that's my viewpoint, not his - perhaps I seem like a much easier push-over than I think I am. Maybe he thinks I'm easily influenced, and is certain that I'll cave in before too long. It's not a very flattering idea - that he thinks I'm a weak personality - but I have to consider the possibility.

The reason why I'd prefer that to be the solution, is that other ideas are too complicated for me! If there is more in his calculations that just simply sex... well then, I don't know.

He says, "You don't understand me" - and he's right.

But the fact that he was saying things like that... trotting out the corny old lines... "You don't understand me"... "You don't love me"... "You don't care about me"... suggests that he wants something... emotionally.

Haha, it seems (at the moment, at least!) that I'm somehow irresistable to him! He could wait only three days before calling me... I seem to hold some kind of attraction that makes him keep coming back when all he gets is sorrow and frustration. Maybe that sounds too self-flattering, but it's a new experience for me. I don't see myself in the role of the seductive, charismatic temptress! Far from it. I don't understand why he seems to be so interested in me if it isn't just for sex. Well, he admits himself that he's not the kind of guy who can buy sex, so it seems like he feels most comfortable in a committed relationship, and maybe he thinks I'd be handy for that, because after all, I am quite loyal by nature - I don't cheat on guys (well... not reeeeally...). So it could be that I'm simply the best of a bad job - that he doesn't really enjoy picking up random girls in pubs and clubs (even if they don't charge!).

I just can't offer him what he wants. He wants someone... someone... permanent. Not necessarily to settle down geographically, but to settle down emotionally. And, no matter if I fuck him 1,000 times, that's one thing I'm not going to be doing. I can't marry him (what he originally wanted) and I won't live with him, so if that's what he's after our relationship has no future beyond mutual using.

DAMN HIM! DAMN HIM! DAMN HIM!

The Machine called me at midnight last night. ><

I really, honestly thought I had heard the last of him this time. I had hurt his pride, made him feel stupid, humiliated him and denied him what he wanted. After all that, WHY THE HELL DOES HE WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN?????

My trouble is, I'm too "nice". I don't mean that as a compliment to myself. If anything, it's an insult. I'm a bit of a doormat. I'm easy-going. I like to keep people happy. Generally speaking, if other people are happy, then I'm happy, too.

That makes me sound so submissive. Which is strange, because I'm not submissive at all. Well, everyone's character has contradictions in fact - no-one's personality is simple and straightforward.

The thing that stops me from being a total doormat is my argumentative and stubborn nature. If there's one thing guaranteed to get me to do something, it's to tell me to do the opposite! Which doesn't sit very well with wanting to please people... hehe. When I get into the contrary mood, I take pleasure in deliberately going against someone and NOT doing what they want. Which was how I was with the Machine.

My trouble is, I'm so contrary. Argumentative. When I was a kid, a tiny kid, my parents used to say my middle name should have been "argumentative". All the while I was growing up, I had that trait. When I got to my late teens, I really started to make an effort to keep it under control. I vowed not to argue with my art tutor or my driving instructor - and I succeeded, although that was more due to their good nature than my improvement!

I can only change myself so far. I can change my behaviour to some extent, and in fact I'd almost forgotten how ornery I can be. But I can't change my whole nature. And...........

............ that was the trouble between me and the Machine. There seems to be something in my nature that makes me want - badly want - to do the opposite of what I know the other person wants! I stop when he wants me to go - simply out of contrariness ("why should I do what he wants?"). I go when he wants me to stop - because it feels good to disobey him. To feel him oppose me.

Of course, I knew he didn't really want me to stop. But he did say it. "Stop!" There's something irresistable about having a guy lying beneath you and responding to your touch and begging you to stop and knowing that he's in your power.............. mwahahahahaha!!!

God, the word "stop" is like a red rag to a bull, to me! I never knew I was so... intractable.

***

There is something good happening in my life, though. I contacted... what shall I call him? Z (I don't think I've used that letter yet!), who is interested in doing pro-life work in our city. Mom had given me his phone number. He seemed pleased to hear from me and is keen. He's a businessman, seems very politically savvy, and has had experience of organisation. Sounds really promising!

Anyway, he wanted to get a "mini-meeting" of interested people set up as soon as possible, so I said I'd ring round all my contacts and try and get a bunch of possible dates (or at least find out when people aren't available). I've managed to get in touch with everyone except 2 people - but, out of all my contacts so far, only S is really enthusiastic. Well, that makes up for a lot, because she's REALLY enthusiastic! That's cool... and she is also very well-versed politically (she actually works for the same organisation as me), and very proactive too. ^_^

One of the Marions would have been interested but she's going away for a few weeks... everyone else said they didn't have time (how do they think I manage? I have theatre 2 or 3 times a week, front of house once, Japanese class and committee meetings... >>). Quite a few people said they either didn't have time to come to a meeting but "I'll help" (yeah, yeah >>), or wouldn't give me their dates/non-dates but asked me to let them know when we'd fixed a date. And K said she'd tell the people at the prayer group that she organises (although I don't hold out much hope from that).

Z and I also exchanged email addresses, and we've sent a few emails back and forth already. He wants me to come to Mass with him on Sunday, a tridentene Mass at someone's (who shall remain nameless - he's a well-known figure in my city!) private house. He said he could call round for me and we could either drive or walk there together. He also sent me some links to pro-life sites. He seems on the ball. I think he's a nice person, too... So... plenty of reason to be optimistic! ^_^ It feels good to be actually DOING something on the pro-life front, after all this time, too.