Met up with my old friends from Uni today. I hadn't seen them since we went to Barcelona in the summer - and I hadn't seen Roy for almost a year! O_o

Ate, drank, talked... and some had already bought Christmas presents! O_o I've only just managed to get Mom some birthday presents, never mind thinking about Christmas! My financial fiasco hasn't helped, either... >> Looks like I'm gonna have to do some hard thinking (and spending!) during December... Normally I try and get just a few things during Nov, just to make life a bit easier for myself (cool gizmos from catalogues, usually), but this year... nothing. *le sigh*

I really need to get my ass in gear, just as soon as my next pay comes in.

Dala is 2 years old now, and talking a bit... not that we can really understand what she's saying, lol. Mary and Anne are both starting to get a bit broody >> not something I can sympathise with as yet (even though they're only the same age as me... well, about 6 months older is all). I'm quite philosophical on that front.

We had a good laugh. I did the hand elephants thing for them.

Michelle's new house is nice. She's moved up in the world! ^_^ O_o

We talked about... nothing in particular... y'know how it is! Just enjoyed each other's company. ^_^

I keep thinking about the Machine and trying to put myself in his place. I want to know what he is thinking, what he is feeling, and what his motivations are.

I'd prefer to think of the simple solution - that he just wants an easy shag. OK, so I thought he would have been well put off by now, but that's my viewpoint, not his - perhaps I seem like a much easier push-over than I think I am. Maybe he thinks I'm easily influenced, and is certain that I'll cave in before too long. It's not a very flattering idea - that he thinks I'm a weak personality - but I have to consider the possibility.

The reason why I'd prefer that to be the solution, is that other ideas are too complicated for me! If there is more in his calculations that just simply sex... well then, I don't know.

He says, "You don't understand me" - and he's right.

But the fact that he was saying things like that... trotting out the corny old lines... "You don't understand me"... "You don't love me"... "You don't care about me"... suggests that he wants something... emotionally.

Haha, it seems (at the moment, at least!) that I'm somehow irresistable to him! He could wait only three days before calling me... I seem to hold some kind of attraction that makes him keep coming back when all he gets is sorrow and frustration. Maybe that sounds too self-flattering, but it's a new experience for me. I don't see myself in the role of the seductive, charismatic temptress! Far from it. I don't understand why he seems to be so interested in me if it isn't just for sex. Well, he admits himself that he's not the kind of guy who can buy sex, so it seems like he feels most comfortable in a committed relationship, and maybe he thinks I'd be handy for that, because after all, I am quite loyal by nature - I don't cheat on guys (well... not reeeeally...). So it could be that I'm simply the best of a bad job - that he doesn't really enjoy picking up random girls in pubs and clubs (even if they don't charge!).

I just can't offer him what he wants. He wants someone... someone... permanent. Not necessarily to settle down geographically, but to settle down emotionally. And, no matter if I fuck him 1,000 times, that's one thing I'm not going to be doing. I can't marry him (what he originally wanted) and I won't live with him, so if that's what he's after our relationship has no future beyond mutual using.

DAMN HIM! DAMN HIM! DAMN HIM!

The Machine called me at midnight last night. ><

I really, honestly thought I had heard the last of him this time. I had hurt his pride, made him feel stupid, humiliated him and denied him what he wanted. After all that, WHY THE HELL DOES HE WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN?????

My trouble is, I'm too "nice". I don't mean that as a compliment to myself. If anything, it's an insult. I'm a bit of a doormat. I'm easy-going. I like to keep people happy. Generally speaking, if other people are happy, then I'm happy, too.

That makes me sound so submissive. Which is strange, because I'm not submissive at all. Well, everyone's character has contradictions in fact - no-one's personality is simple and straightforward.

The thing that stops me from being a total doormat is my argumentative and stubborn nature. If there's one thing guaranteed to get me to do something, it's to tell me to do the opposite! Which doesn't sit very well with wanting to please people... hehe. When I get into the contrary mood, I take pleasure in deliberately going against someone and NOT doing what they want. Which was how I was with the Machine.

My trouble is, I'm so contrary. Argumentative. When I was a kid, a tiny kid, my parents used to say my middle name should have been "argumentative". All the while I was growing up, I had that trait. When I got to my late teens, I really started to make an effort to keep it under control. I vowed not to argue with my art tutor or my driving instructor - and I succeeded, although that was more due to their good nature than my improvement!

I can only change myself so far. I can change my behaviour to some extent, and in fact I'd almost forgotten how ornery I can be. But I can't change my whole nature. And...........

............ that was the trouble between me and the Machine. There seems to be something in my nature that makes me want - badly want - to do the opposite of what I know the other person wants! I stop when he wants me to go - simply out of contrariness ("why should I do what he wants?"). I go when he wants me to stop - because it feels good to disobey him. To feel him oppose me.

Of course, I knew he didn't really want me to stop. But he did say it. "Stop!" There's something irresistable about having a guy lying beneath you and responding to your touch and begging you to stop and knowing that he's in your power.............. mwahahahahaha!!!

God, the word "stop" is like a red rag to a bull, to me! I never knew I was so... intractable.

***

There is something good happening in my life, though. I contacted... what shall I call him? Z (I don't think I've used that letter yet!), who is interested in doing pro-life work in our city. Mom had given me his phone number. He seemed pleased to hear from me and is keen. He's a businessman, seems very politically savvy, and has had experience of organisation. Sounds really promising!

Anyway, he wanted to get a "mini-meeting" of interested people set up as soon as possible, so I said I'd ring round all my contacts and try and get a bunch of possible dates (or at least find out when people aren't available). I've managed to get in touch with everyone except 2 people - but, out of all my contacts so far, only S is really enthusiastic. Well, that makes up for a lot, because she's REALLY enthusiastic! That's cool... and she is also very well-versed politically (she actually works for the same organisation as me), and very proactive too. ^_^

One of the Marions would have been interested but she's going away for a few weeks... everyone else said they didn't have time (how do they think I manage? I have theatre 2 or 3 times a week, front of house once, Japanese class and committee meetings... >>). Quite a few people said they either didn't have time to come to a meeting but "I'll help" (yeah, yeah >>), or wouldn't give me their dates/non-dates but asked me to let them know when we'd fixed a date. And K said she'd tell the people at the prayer group that she organises (although I don't hold out much hope from that).

Z and I also exchanged email addresses, and we've sent a few emails back and forth already. He wants me to come to Mass with him on Sunday, a tridentene Mass at someone's (who shall remain nameless - he's a well-known figure in my city!) private house. He said he could call round for me and we could either drive or walk there together. He also sent me some links to pro-life sites. He seems on the ball. I think he's a nice person, too... So... plenty of reason to be optimistic! ^_^ It feels good to be actually DOING something on the pro-life front, after all this time, too.

............................................

I don't know what to say.

Fact. I don't know whether I have "fallen out" with the Machine or not.

Sometimes I think he was angry with me, sometimes I think not. Maybe "angry" is too strong a word. Perhaps I should say, he is upset with me.

I was chatting with the Machine for a short time last night. I ranted mildly about my financial screwage, and guess what he said?

"Hmmm".

Great response, huh? Really concerned. Really... intelligent. Really... caring. >> I mean, it's not as if he even told me to shut up, or overrode me with a problem of his own that was more important. Just - "hmmm". *snarls and swings fists*

Work sucks at the moment, too. It seems like everything is causing me worry.

At least... to trot out the corny phrase, at least it's Friday tomorrow. It'll be one helluva day, but then - 2 days of not having to go to work... even though... well... you know. And I'm damn well gonna relax on my weekend and sod what he likes or wants.

I'm gonna restring both my guitars as well. ^_^

And, a good thing did happen - mom called me with a "contact"! He's American but living in my city at the moment... apparently he owns a kitchen-design business... When I say "contact" I am talking "business" here, you understand. What business, I'm not saying right now... Anyway, he is also talented in the field of destroying buildings, so in short, a very useful man to have around! I've got his address and mobile number and I'm gonna call him at the weekend. According to mom, he's very interested in starting up a local group, which is something I've wanted to do for a couple of years but haven't yet got my lazy ass in gear to actually gather myself some "followers" and do it. But with a partner in crime, yeah, I can see myself getting galvanised. ^_^

One last good thing to help lift me out of my pissed-off and depressed mood - I got the whole La:Sadies discography today! Yaaaaaaaaaay! (It's really rare - I had trouble finding any La:Sadies at all for ages.)

It's been a while since I've written in here - I've been busy at work and even busier at home. Why, oh why, is there never enough TIIIIIIIIME! *wails madly* I'm lucky if I can get an hour to practice the guitar in the evenings before I have to go out again... and that's if I skip dinner T_T... let alone an hour or more on the keyboard, which has been sadly neglected lately. Plus I'm working on these trousers I'm decorating - I wanted to get them finished for tomorrow, but no way - probably not even by the weekend. >< Not to mention my paintings and drawing.

*sighhh*

And to cap it all, my bank withdrew my November rent twice. Grrrr! They "hope" to fix it (I should damn well think so!) but I won't know for a couple of days >> and it's just what I didn't need when I need to buy stuff for Mom's birthday, I have to buy a train ticket to see my friends in a week and a half, the Machine is staying this weekend (which means I need food ><) and I also need to start thinking about buying Christmas presents. AND a ticket for Mom to see "Joseph"... and other stuff.... T_T

Not my lucky week.... ;_;;;

Yeah, the Machine is coming round Friday night and staying through Sunday. Not my ideal situation, but... >>

Saturday started off infuriating... I went into town to buy one item, and ended up spending ages waiting in queues.... queue for the fitting room... then to pay... then for the toilets... then to buy a drink........ aaaaarghhh... *fumes*

Still, it turned into a good day as Mom called round and we went to see "Wallace and Gromit and the curse of the were-rabbit". I love Wallace and Gromit, it always makes me laugh without fail. I just love the way it parodies all these different film genres... ^_^ And we had fireworks, of course (I love fireworks! ^_^) and BBQ food even though I don't have a BBQ... lol.

And Sunday was quite a productive day for me (for a change) in terms of actually getting things done. ^_^ (Except for the garden; it was raining horribly ><)

On Friday I did front of house and saw "Anna Karenina". It was excellent! (yes, I say it, even though it was produced by Amy who hates me...) I thought the ending, although very good and effective, might have been nicked from Arkane's version of "In the Penal Colony", actually! The train was composed of people, and when she fell in front of the train, there was a red spotlight... exactly how Arkane got the machine to rip the Officer apart...

I've got a role in the next play, which is "Out Of Order". Only a small role; I'm the Spanish maid who comes on 3 times and has about 10 lines (if that). Still, it's better than nothing. ^_^ It's what they call "a nice little part" (>>); it's up to me to make something of it.

Quick note... called by the Machine last night >< damn him. Didn't tell him about my piercing. If he doesn't like it he can fuck off. (I wish.)

Anchyyy sent me Gozen album by Kagrra... haven't had time to do much listening recently... nor watch all those PVs neither. I so badly need a PV-watching session. Blehhh - I need to clean my house! >< I guess I'll get around to it some day... ^_x

All Saints Day today. There you go, there's your educational information for the day >> Didn't go to any Halloween parties this year, or get trick-or-treaters - how boring is that?! ;_;;; I was going to hold a Halloween party on Saturday but I thought I was going to a friend's birthday party, but 2 days before, it was cancelled because her mom died suddenly. T_T

Clocks went back in the UK. It's not even 17.00 and it's dark already. I mean street-lamps-coming-on sort of dark. ><

Quickly... I'm at work...

I went on an intensive 4-day First Aid course last week. It was quite difficult. We were learning soooo much in such a short time! The test was all practical, and we were all worried about whether we were going to pass or not. Luckily I did. ^__^ I'm so pleased! There were some nice people on the course, too, including a guy who played guitar and another guy who liked similiar kinds of music to me (although not jrock ><). Altogether it was fun... well, I got to roll around on the floor with nice-looking blokes, anyway! ;-) Although on the last morning I got the "lecherous old creep" as my partner... XDD. Actually I felt a bit sorry for him... I hope he enjoyed bandaging my chest... lol.

After that I got my lip pierced! That was on Thursday - three full days ago. It didn't hurt at all really. I was surprised, even though everyone I know who's had one done said it didn't hurt, somehow as I got closer and closer I got more and more convinced that it would hurt! XD. But finally, it was just a feeling like having an injection, and it doesn't really interfere with my eating and drinking except that I can't open my mouth very wide or it pulls on it >< and also if anyone makes me smile widely or laugh, it hurts a little then! I'm annoyed actually because it was going on really well (there's no infection or anything) but last night I caught it in my sleep and now the exit hole on the inside of my lip hurts a bit. >< It'll be 2 - 4 weeks before it's totally OK, to take it out and stuff. I like it! I think it suits me... I went to a talk and mom was there and she noticed it (which surprised me... my mom's like the least observant person in the world, lol) and she thinks it suits me, too... she likes it... and most of her friends do, too, apart from one who is a nurse XD. And I got compliments about it from people at work, too... Hmm, I forget how much you moisten your lips without thinking about it normally, and now I can't lick my lips, they get a little dry and my mouth feels dry so I have to drink a lot of water! XD

It's quite busy at work, I have reports to write. ><

I went to mom's on Sunday to help her with gardening, I enjoyed to be out in the open air for a while.

Damn, I wish I really was. >_>

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!

*dances madly*

What was all that about? I hear you ask.

It's because the Machine ISN'T coming to stay with me tonight after all! ^_______^

He did the stupidest thing... caught a train partly here and then realised there wasn't one all the way here... I say stupid, but it's the kind of dumb thing I might easily do... but I ain't half glad! I don't have to see him... and deal with him... AND I get tomorrow free to paint and draw and play the guitar and keyboard and decorate my new trousers... and do other things... *dances again*

lol... it motivated me to clean my workroom, anyway! hehe...

Last night we went out after work and got rat-arsed... it was good... drank, danced... the usual stuff... hehe, I need to be careful now I've got my contact lenses, though... just catch someone's eye while you're dancing and it's fatal... the only dark spot on the horizon was the fact that the guy from work I had my eye on, I spent about an hour chatting him up and we were getting on famously, then I discover he has a girlfriend. >_> Oh well, I'll keep my eye on him in case he becomes vacant anyway...

Went into town to see if I need to make an appointment to get my piercing, but I don't... I can just go in... so I'll do it either Friday or Thursday. ^_^

Headache today... but a good kind of headache.......... x_x