But that's by the by...
I was only expecting to be out for the morning, but then we went out for lunch... lol, Steve asked me if I wore SFX contact lenses! O_o I must have inadvertently fixed him with a laser-like stare... *_* Then we went up to an abbey near the pub (out in the country) and talked for a bit about how we could get started on some pro-life work... and then, he wanted to talk with my mom (who is a bit of an expert in that field!) and suggested that we drive over and visit her! O_o Hehe... (well, he's American and distances are a totally different concept in the States... lol). I seriously didn't think she'd be in, but I gave her a call and she was just returning home, so indeed we did stop by! Helped her with a few tasks, had dinner and talked... it was pretty cool, actually. ^_^
So - Steve. Nice guy or dangerous schismatic? LMAO! I've no clue...
The Machine called me just as I was getting ready to hit the hay for the night. He wanted to talk seriously (the first time he's ever done that on the phone, now I come to think about it).
*le sigh*
He was asking me difficult questions! Things like: "When you say you love me, what do you mean?" If I could answer that, I'd be some kind of brainy philosopher; I'd probably be writing a book! What do I mean by love? What is love? I don't bloody know!!!
I think he's confusing love with sex. Maybe he isn't as mature as I give him credit for, after all?
I was trying to explain to him that I can't give him what he wants. He's lonely and he wants company. He wants a serious, long term relationship. If he just wanted sex, that would be quite simple. I mean, it's a yes/no decision - do I fuck him or don't I? And that's up to me. But it's not just that, he wants. OK, physical satisfaction yes, but that wouldn't be enough for him after a while. He'd feel better for a few hours or a day, but in the long run he'd be getting only the physical, I couldn't meet his emotional needs. Probably he'd end up feeling even more used.
So - Steve. Nice guy or dangerous schismatic? LMAO! I've no clue...
The Machine called me just as I was getting ready to hit the hay for the night. He wanted to talk seriously (the first time he's ever done that on the phone, now I come to think about it).
*le sigh*
He was asking me difficult questions! Things like: "When you say you love me, what do you mean?" If I could answer that, I'd be some kind of brainy philosopher; I'd probably be writing a book! What do I mean by love? What is love? I don't bloody know!!!
I think he's confusing love with sex. Maybe he isn't as mature as I give him credit for, after all?
I was trying to explain to him that I can't give him what he wants. He's lonely and he wants company. He wants a serious, long term relationship. If he just wanted sex, that would be quite simple. I mean, it's a yes/no decision - do I fuck him or don't I? And that's up to me. But it's not just that, he wants. OK, physical satisfaction yes, but that wouldn't be enough for him after a while. He'd feel better for a few hours or a day, but in the long run he'd be getting only the physical, I couldn't meet his emotional needs. Probably he'd end up feeling even more used.
He said it would be easier for him if I was some kind of mean person, but I'm too much of a "nice" person. It's quite funny, because I was thinking exactly the same thing about him! But it's infuriating that he thinks I'm so "nice" when I know damn well I'm not...! The only reason I seem "nice" is that I don't bitch at people for no reason. And that's the whole point - "no reason". If there isn't a reason, why in hell should I be mean?
But... a reason was developing... I was becoming more and more pissed off as the conversation went on... lol. He asked me: "What do you want?" and I said, "Nothing!" That's the truth. I don't "want" anything from him! And he said, "Well then, why did you tell me you loved me?" Grrrrrrrrrr! How do I explain that I don't love people just because I want something from them?!? How do I explain that I can't explain?
I tried to warn him that I was getting near the end of my tether... that my fuse was getting shorter. And he said to me: "I think you're just pretending to be mean..." That finished me off. If the guy won't listen to the meaning of my words... won't take any notice of what I am saying... ::angry:: I just shouted "I'm not fucking pretending!!!" and slammed the phone down. I felt loads better after doing that, getting something off my chest, letting off steam, that sort of thing. ^_^
I was considering emailing him today (in cold blood, so to speak) to explain exactly why I'm not the right person for a relationship with him, but right at the moment I don't want to. I prefer to just leave it like a door that has slammed. Part of me wishes that he could know that I am always here for him... I will always care about him. I was telling the truth, but he doesn't understand what I mean by love, and maybe he never will understand. But that's his problem, not mine. If he contacts me again I will explain, but only then.
I asked my share of questions to him, too; I asked, "Why do you carry on contacting me when I am no use to you?" and he couldn't answer that. He didn't know. (So why the hell should he expect me to know the answers to his questions?) I also said *incredulous voice* "You don't love me, do you?" There was a long silence and he said... "... I don't know... I feel... something..."
*another sigh*
But... a reason was developing... I was becoming more and more pissed off as the conversation went on... lol. He asked me: "What do you want?" and I said, "Nothing!" That's the truth. I don't "want" anything from him! And he said, "Well then, why did you tell me you loved me?" Grrrrrrrrrr! How do I explain that I don't love people just because I want something from them?!? How do I explain that I can't explain?
I tried to warn him that I was getting near the end of my tether... that my fuse was getting shorter. And he said to me: "I think you're just pretending to be mean..." That finished me off. If the guy won't listen to the meaning of my words... won't take any notice of what I am saying... ::angry:: I just shouted "I'm not fucking pretending!!!" and slammed the phone down. I felt loads better after doing that, getting something off my chest, letting off steam, that sort of thing. ^_^
I was considering emailing him today (in cold blood, so to speak) to explain exactly why I'm not the right person for a relationship with him, but right at the moment I don't want to. I prefer to just leave it like a door that has slammed. Part of me wishes that he could know that I am always here for him... I will always care about him. I was telling the truth, but he doesn't understand what I mean by love, and maybe he never will understand. But that's his problem, not mine. If he contacts me again I will explain, but only then.
I asked my share of questions to him, too; I asked, "Why do you carry on contacting me when I am no use to you?" and he couldn't answer that. He didn't know. (So why the hell should he expect me to know the answers to his questions?) I also said *incredulous voice* "You don't love me, do you?" There was a long silence and he said... "... I don't know... I feel... something..."
*another sigh*
I guess this is finally it and I won't hear from him again. Jeez, how many times have I said that and genuinely believed it! But this time I really think so (she says... lol). I actually want to hear from him again, so that I can tie up the loose ends - explain why I'm wrong for him. But if I don't... well, like I said, it's his problem, not mine. ^_^